On crushes….

  • They called crushes because they crush you…..
  • I’m making it a point not to go on second dates with people with whom I already have no chemistry.
  • I’ve got to follow my gut feeling when it comes to this chemistry thing….

So far this week has been ok. It’s nice to say yes to the few things that don’t take up too much of my energy and make me feel good. Plus, people say I’m funny. I’m not sure if it’s true or not but at this point even if people laughing at me and not with me I don’t mind so much because I love seeing their smiling faces.

I know this post makes no sense whatsoever but when I have less work I’ll elaborate on how I came to these moronic conclusions.

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Things really do change when you say yes more often

Despite the hardships of this experiment Ido feel a difference in what it’s done for my confidence. There were many times when I felt unworthy of many things: job prospects, talking to certain men, being friends with certain people, going to events alone, or anything else I could think of.

I’ve stopped worrying so much about the past and have started living in the present more, which is one thing I wanted. This week there were two opportunities I was able to get thanks to this project (all out of the blue, too!):

foto 2 (7)I had to make a presentation on behalf of some students from the United Arab Emirates because they were unable to get their visas to come to Argentina in time for a conference. They paid me to do this work. The thing is, I saw the ad on Craigslist and it seemed so crazy I applied thinking I might not get it. However, I did and got to make a few bucks. I don’t know much about the Petroleum industry and had to study the topic a bit before presenting but I did an ok enough job.

There was also another admin assistant job I got which I was also afraid I wouldn’t get because the company was quite big and pays in USD. Spots in jobs like this are highly coveted in Buenos Aires but I just applied, had two interviews and was offered the job this morning.

But there was yet another change.

foto 1 (8)

I had worked really hard to get over my crush because I had to accept that it was never going to happen. I then moved into this new studio where I’m living and found a piece of a letter I wrote him. I thought I had destroyed them all (ok, so there were two total and one poem that went missing). When I saw it I simply sealed it with this sticker. I guess a part of me wanted to believe that I was keeping it because it showed I was still capable of getting butterflies in my stomach for someone, but it became a dead weight.

It felt like Edgar Allan Poe’s The Tell Tale Heart, except instead of a ringing coming from under the floorboards it was coming from the drawer I had kept the letter in. Today was a particularly slow work day and as I was sweeping the floor I had a strange feeling as I walked past that drawer. I decided the letter is what had been bothering me.

My former crush knows where my old apartment is and he would come over to parties and dinners I would invite him to, so there were a lot of memories of him there and I often felt a bit of heart break when looking at corners he had sat on or conversations we had had in my kitchen. I remembered that he knew exactly where everything was in my old apartment and would often help himself to what he found there (which I was ok with because he’s still a friend, and I let all my friends do this). However, he still hasn’t been to my new little studio and I decided that keeping the letter is like keeping a part of a past that can’t be changed. It was like having a piece of that heartbreak in my drawer and it wasn’t allowing me to fully move on and let go. So I cut the letter into tiny pieces today and threw them in the garbage.

Letting go and allowing no strings to be attached to these events is a part of something that’s changed because of this experience. It had been a long time since I had feelings for anyone because I wouldn’t let myself after so many negative past experiences with men. I literally, actually channeled my religious upbringing and said a little prayer of gratitude for him, for letting me know I could still care.