Despite the hardships of this experiment Ido feel a difference in what it’s done for my confidence. There were many times when I felt unworthy of many things: job prospects, talking to certain men, being friends with certain people, going to events alone, or anything else I could think of.
I’ve stopped worrying so much about the past and have started living in the present more, which is one thing I wanted. This week there were two opportunities I was able to get thanks to this project (all out of the blue, too!):
I had to make a presentation on behalf of some students from the United Arab Emirates because they were unable to get their visas to come to Argentina in time for a conference. They paid me to do this work. The thing is, I saw the ad on Craigslist and it seemed so crazy I applied thinking I might not get it. However, I did and got to make a few bucks. I don’t know much about the Petroleum industry and had to study the topic a bit before presenting but I did an ok enough job.
There was also another admin assistant job I got which I was also afraid I wouldn’t get because the company was quite big and pays in USD. Spots in jobs like this are highly coveted in Buenos Aires but I just applied, had two interviews and was offered the job this morning.
But there was yet another change.
I had worked really hard to get over my crush because I had to accept that it was never going to happen. I then moved into this new studio where I’m living and found a piece of a letter I wrote him. I thought I had destroyed them all (ok, so there were two total and one poem that went missing). When I saw it I simply sealed it with this sticker. I guess a part of me wanted to believe that I was keeping it because it showed I was still capable of getting butterflies in my stomach for someone, but it became a dead weight.
It felt like Edgar Allan Poe’s The Tell Tale Heart, except instead of a ringing coming from under the floorboards it was coming from the drawer I had kept the letter in. Today was a particularly slow work day and as I was sweeping the floor I had a strange feeling as I walked past that drawer. I decided the letter is what had been bothering me.
My former crush knows where my old apartment is and he would come over to parties and dinners I would invite him to, so there were a lot of memories of him there and I often felt a bit of heart break when looking at corners he had sat on or conversations we had had in my kitchen. I remembered that he knew exactly where everything was in my old apartment and would often help himself to what he found there (which I was ok with because he’s still a friend, and I let all my friends do this). However, he still hasn’t been to my new little studio and I decided that keeping the letter is like keeping a part of a past that can’t be changed. It was like having a piece of that heartbreak in my drawer and it wasn’t allowing me to fully move on and let go. So I cut the letter into tiny pieces today and threw them in the garbage.
Letting go and allowing no strings to be attached to these events is a part of something that’s changed because of this experience. It had been a long time since I had feelings for anyone because I wouldn’t let myself after so many negative past experiences with men. I literally, actually channeled my religious upbringing and said a little prayer of gratitude for him, for letting me know I could still care.