Today is a beautiful day

Even though I thought I had been over my crush for a few months now this weekend I saw him flirt with a friend of mine and I didn’t feel fazed. I realized then that I only missed the feeling of liking someone this much, of idealizing them this much and seeing all the good in them all the time. That’s when I realized that even though it didn’t work out, my ex-crush and I are now good friends. We hang out with mutual friends often and make each other life. Just like he met someone he likes through me, I realize that I may meet someone else as well…. maybe with his help, maybe without.

It’s beautiful to think about him and not feel heartbroken. It’s wonderful to think about him being happy with someone else and not feel sad.

I feel free.

I’ve also been working on practicing self-love and being authentic. I try to do this on a daily basis and it’s been a huge part of my year of yes: to do things authentically even if they make me uncomfortable.

Today is a beautiful day.

Advertisements

On trying to remain confident

I’ve written a lot about my health issues and must say I feel extremely insecure these days. My year of yes project has basically taken a hiatus because two days per week I’m too tired from my treatments to really want to do anything. I decided not to make major life decisions during this period and have decided I’m not going to date.

When you’re so unhealthy that you can’t even picture someone liking you, maybe it’s time to take a break. I was perusing the internet and found this poem and felt the last part applied to me. Part of dating and getting dates is knowing that someone approved enough of you to want to be seen with you in public, so when it doesn’t happen or you decide not to part take in this then you really do feel alone. Society treats 30-year old women harshly when they’re single, but I guess starting in your teens you already feel the burden of living alone in a world for couples.

I’m trying to just be happy with my life and keep up with this experiment the best way I can because I gave my word I would stick it out until December 21st of this year. I notice that single people complain about singleness but then complain about their boyfriends/girlfriends when they find them. I once mentioned that I’m trying to break my past patterns, and I used to be a constant complainer about being single/with someone. I feel that by not complaining right now I won’t complain if I ever do find that one person I like.

Maybe part of the reason why it’s so hard to accept others as they really are is that we don’t really accept ourselves as we really are. When you can do that it makes things easier… or this is just a theory I’m testing out at the moment.

One thing I said yes to several weeks ago was the planning of an art event here in Buenos Aires. Some of my friends have a hamburger project and I once curated an art show that was successful so I said I’d do this one. movimiento-yobisThe other thing that makes me nervous is that I couldn’t find enough artists to participate so I decided to display some of my pictures from my activist past, such as these:

I started getting homesick for the US and getting tired of answering questions about who I think will win the US elections. I voted for Hillary Clinton at the US Embassy last week. I’m Not With Her but I’m just not with The Donald.

So that’s where I am now: organizing this art show, hoping it goes well, and trying to enjoy every day and what it brings despite how my health isn’t that great. I’m trying to just love me and be enough for me.

Always hungry and dizzy

I’ve been saying yes to fewer things recently, but I can always seem to say yes to sleep. I’ve been doing my dental treatments and have really bad gag reflexes so on days when I have appointments I make my own juices or smoothies, and have coffee and water. I come home and eat whatever I think I can chew and then maybe pair that with an affordable glass of wine.

When you’re always hungry you start becoming angry and depressed all the time. I really do try hard to keep my mind positive but sometimes it just gets to me. Part of why I began this experiment was to lose my fear of men, but as I keep on going the fear keeps coming back: fear that guys won’t understand what’s wrong with me, fear that they will find me unattractive when I tell them, and fear that I might lose so much weight over the next few months that I’ll be too skinny.

I haven’t been thinking of men. I don’t really see any prospects, and I try to stay busy with friends. I’m trying to be happy, but there are days when I can tell I didn’t eat enough the day before because it’s hard for me to wake up. I try to enjoy sunny days and realize that there are worse things out there, but it’s not easy. Thankfully the friends I have told about this are understanding and supportive. Over the next few months I’ll have to cut back on expenses to pay for my dental treatments and get my blood tested consistently.

Traveling trips and really crazy adventures seem to be out now. I haven’t asked any guys out on a date, and it seems like my sadness hangs on my face like a bright billboard warning men that I’m too sad to go out with them–or at least that’s how it seems.

I do plan on learning new songs on the guitar though. For now, I’ve decided I’m going to nap once per day to get through work. I’m sure that will help as long as I go outside often as well.

Having crappy teeth just sucks

I’m one of those people that always consistently flossed since I was a teenager and did whatever dentists recommended, but every since I was a kid I was diagnosed with gum disease. Most of my dentists would just try to shame me, tell me I have bad hygiene habits, and overall, I just paid someone to tell me that I need to “do better” even though I was already doing everything I could. In the next coming years, I would find out that this was due to a then undiagnosed genetic condition, because evolution is that crappy, and some of us (such as myself) didn’t evolve enough, apparently.

Getting treatment for gum disease is very expensive, especially when you start losing teeth, as I’m starting to. Thankfully I’m still in Argentina and this will save me a ton of money, implants are much cheaper and so is specialized dental care. My mother and grandmother had teeth problems and went through the same things, and my mother was always hoping that I hadn’t inherited her problems–but I did.

Ever since I was about 23-24 I haven’t been able to bite an apple or carrot, and I started to cut food into little pieces at that age. Right now several of my teeth are lose and I can only eat things I can’t chew, so last night at my 30th birthday party I took a big container of hummus and mutabal (baba ganoush) so I could eat. Thankfully the doctors in Argentina are very nice, and more research is available about people who might have gum diseases because of their genes (though as far as I can tell, more studies need to be conducted). So I feel better about how I’m being treated.

People don’t realize what a big deal eating is. Eating crunchy things, biting down on things, and even eating starchy or sticky things is a huge deal. I’m trying to figure out new ways to eat so that I’m getting enough nutrients. I’ve had treatments before, and generally I lose weight. In our image-obsessed culture people tend to give me compliments on this, but losing weight when you don’t intend to, or because you’re basically starting, isn’t fun.

Feeling this lightheaded, feeling confused, and being able to talk for limited periods is really exhausting. Not to mention that living with missing teeth (which I may have to do) is frowned upon, especially for women. The next few weeks I’ll probably be in a terrible mood. I’m not sure if I’ll be able to continue in my year of yes experiment as much as I could like because I’m in a terrible mood right now. I’m trying to be grateful that this isn’t something worse, but I don’t like having to use other people’s bad luck to feel better about the state of my health.

My last week as a twenty-something

This is officially my last week before I turn 30.

A few bad habits I’m trying to get rid of:

  • Procrastinating
  • Judging others by the first impressions they give me
  • Drinking so much coffee

A few goals:

  • To continue with this experiment
  • To pay off this computer
  • Start saving money for leaving Argentina
  • Keep up my workout routine
  • Stay hydrated

Maybe we make too much of a big deal about this in the USA, but I feel like approaching my third decade is the end of an era. It’s not a good or bad thing, it’s just the end of something.

But is it wage theft?

In my maniacal search for things to say yes to and for ways to try to raise money to

  1. Pay off my student loans
  2. Pay off my car loans
  3. Raise money for travel

I applied to an online job for a company based in the US/UK. I for some reason thought it would be similar to another job I have currently that requires me to check emails 2-3 times per hour while I work on other freelance projects. This one was way more pressure and stress though. I had to be honest with the supervisor and let her know that I underestimated the commitment necessary and that unfortunately I’d have to give a two-week notice, or that I could work until they found someone else, etc. Understandably they were angry, as I would be.

So this company gave me lesser duties in my last days and the former supervisor told me it would take a while to process my invoice but didn’t tell me how long it would be. I was also asked to invoice for one week (I had previously been asked to invoice for one week as well, for a total of two weeks). In total I worked about 2 weeks and 4 days as well as doing an unpaid trial (bad idea). Today I was told I wouldn’t get paid for my last week of work because I hadn’t done enough for the company. However, the position I did for this company seems to have a high turnover rate, and it seems that although people consistently quit this job, they’re used to it.

Plus, the job is back on the Buenos Aires Craigslist. They could have at least told me I couldn’t work them if they hadn’t intended to pay me instead of making me wait almost a week to say something–especially since I haven’t received anything from them. This company hasn’t responded to email requesting clarification as to when exactly they’re paying me for the two weeks of work for which they have an invoice and now I’m confused about whether or not I will get paid for one week, two weeks or not at all.

(And yeah I know this whole post seems lofty but I’ve learned to never divulge names in situations like this for retaliatory purposes).

We all take chances. I bit off more than I could chew and at least I admitted this to them and offered to work for a longer period even though it was a high-pressure environment. No one ever said corporates have a sense of morals though. My former activist within is calling this wage theft. My bank account is picketing.

On hunger and gratitude

Yesterday my friend and I curated an art show. We had been talking about it for months and it finally happened. I wanted to enjoy it but I’ve had a pretty bad set of months. It is in these times that one realizes who their real friends are and help can come from really unexpected places.

This week I basically ran out of money because I had to pay my expensive rent and things in Buenos Aires are getting ridiculously expensive. The gas was shut down in my building for no good reason so I haven’t been able to cook in about 2 days and people in BA are telling this could actually last for months. I applied to an email handler job that I lasted only two weeks because it paid very little and stressed me out a lot. My old MacBook Pro that I bought in 2012 basically works but it’s very slow and a friend that I hadn’t seen in a few months decided to let me borrow his and then pay for it if it’s working out for me—a very nice thing to do.

My friends listened to me panic about not being able to pay off my car, which is the US and I haven’t used in 3 years. Once again I didn’t have the money to pay for this. Today a friend let me use her kitchen and friends of mine–some whom I had known for a while others I just met–showed up to me and friend’s art event. I was in such a terrible mood and my stress levels were very high but now that I’ve spent the day just listening to music and finally cooking a hot meal I feel so grateful. I just wish I were better at showing it.

Keep in touch with your ex-crushes folks, if they feel sorry enough for you, they will actually help you. And also, keep your friends close and give them as many hugs as you can.