I’ve written a lot about my health issues and must say I feel extremely insecure these days. My year of yes project has basically taken a hiatus because two days per week I’m too tired from my treatments to really want to do anything. I decided not to make major life decisions during this period and have decided I’m not going to date.
When you’re so unhealthy that you can’t even picture someone liking you, maybe it’s time to take a break. I was perusing the internet and found this poem and felt the last part applied to me. Part of dating and getting dates is knowing that someone approved enough of you to want to be seen with you in public, so when it doesn’t happen or you decide not to part take in this then you really do feel alone. Society treats 30-year old women harshly when they’re single, but I guess starting in your teens you already feel the burden of living alone in a world for couples.
I’m trying to just be happy with my life and keep up with this experiment the best way I can because I gave my word I would stick it out until December 21st of this year. I notice that single people complain about singleness but then complain about their boyfriends/girlfriends when they find them. I once mentioned that I’m trying to break my past patterns, and I used to be a constant complainer about being single/with someone. I feel that by not complaining right now I won’t complain if I ever do find that one person I like.
Maybe part of the reason why it’s so hard to accept others as they really are is that we don’t really accept ourselves as we really are. When you can do that it makes things easier… or this is just a theory I’m testing out at the moment.
One thing I said yes to several weeks ago was the planning of an art event here in Buenos Aires. Some of my friends have a hamburger project and I once curated an art show that was successful so I said I’d do this one. The other thing that makes me nervous is that I couldn’t find enough artists to participate so I decided to display some of my pictures from my activist past, such as these:
I started getting homesick for the US and getting tired of answering questions about who I think will win the US elections. I voted for Hillary Clinton at the US Embassy last week. I’m Not With Her but I’m just not with The Donald.
So that’s where I am now: organizing this art show, hoping it goes well, and trying to enjoy every day and what it brings despite how my health isn’t that great. I’m trying to just love me and be enough for me.