I’ve been saying yes to fewer things recently, but I can always seem to say yes to sleep. I’ve been doing my dental treatments and have really bad gag reflexes so on days when I have appointments I make my own juices or smoothies, and have coffee and water. I come home and eat whatever I think I can chew and then maybe pair that with an affordable glass of wine.
When you’re always hungry you start becoming angry and depressed all the time. I really do try hard to keep my mind positive but sometimes it just gets to me. Part of why I began this experiment was to lose my fear of men, but as I keep on going the fear keeps coming back: fear that guys won’t understand what’s wrong with me, fear that they will find me unattractive when I tell them, and fear that I might lose so much weight over the next few months that I’ll be too skinny.
I haven’t been thinking of men. I don’t really see any prospects, and I try to stay busy with friends. I’m trying to be happy, but there are days when I can tell I didn’t eat enough the day before because it’s hard for me to wake up. I try to enjoy sunny days and realize that there are worse things out there, but it’s not easy. Thankfully the friends I have told about this are understanding and supportive. Over the next few months I’ll have to cut back on expenses to pay for my dental treatments and get my blood tested consistently.
Traveling trips and really crazy adventures seem to be out now. I haven’t asked any guys out on a date, and it seems like my sadness hangs on my face like a bright billboard warning men that I’m too sad to go out with them–or at least that’s how it seems.
I do plan on learning new songs on the guitar though. For now, I’ve decided I’m going to nap once per day to get through work. I’m sure that will help as long as I go outside often as well.