Always hungry and dizzy

I’ve been saying yes to fewer things recently, but I can always seem to say yes to sleep. I’ve been doing my dental treatments and have really bad gag reflexes so on days when I have appointments I make my own juices or smoothies, and have coffee and water. I come home and eat whatever I think I can chew and then maybe pair that with an affordable glass of wine.

When you’re always hungry you start becoming angry and depressed all the time. I really do try hard to keep my mind positive but sometimes it just gets to me. Part of why I began this experiment was to lose my fear of men, but as I keep on going the fear keeps coming back: fear that guys won’t understand what’s wrong with me, fear that they will find me unattractive when I tell them, and fear that I might lose so much weight over the next few months that I’ll be too skinny.

I haven’t been thinking of men. I don’t really see any prospects, and I try to stay busy with friends. I’m trying to be happy, but there are days when I can tell I didn’t eat enough the day before because it’s hard for me to wake up. I try to enjoy sunny days and realize that there are worse things out there, but it’s not easy. Thankfully the friends I have told about this are understanding and supportive. Over the next few months I’ll have to cut back on expenses to pay for my dental treatments and get my blood tested consistently.

Traveling trips and really crazy adventures seem to be out now. I haven’t asked any guys out on a date, and it seems like my sadness hangs on my face like a bright billboard warning men that I’m too sad to go out with them–or at least that’s how it seems.

I do plan on learning new songs on the guitar though. For now, I’ve decided I’m going to nap once per day to get through work. I’m sure that will help as long as I go outside often as well.

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Having crappy teeth just sucks

I’m one of those people that always consistently flossed since I was a teenager and did whatever dentists recommended, but every since I was a kid I was diagnosed with gum disease. Most of my dentists would just try to shame me, tell me I have bad hygiene habits, and overall, I just paid someone to tell me that I need to “do better” even though I was already doing everything I could. In the next coming years, I would find out that this was due to a then undiagnosed genetic condition, because evolution is that crappy, and some of us (such as myself) didn’t evolve enough, apparently.

Getting treatment for gum disease is very expensive, especially when you start losing teeth, as I’m starting to. Thankfully I’m still in Argentina and this will save me a ton of money, implants are much cheaper and so is specialized dental care. My mother and grandmother had teeth problems and went through the same things, and my mother was always hoping that I hadn’t inherited her problems–but I did.

Ever since I was about 23-24 I haven’t been able to bite an apple or carrot, and I started to cut food into little pieces at that age. Right now several of my teeth are lose and I can only eat things I can’t chew, so last night at my 30th birthday party I took a big container of hummus and mutabal (baba ganoush) so I could eat. Thankfully the doctors in Argentina are very nice, and more research is available about people who might have gum diseases because of their genes (though as far as I can tell, more studies need to be conducted). So I feel better about how I’m being treated.

People don’t realize what a big deal eating is. Eating crunchy things, biting down on things, and even eating starchy or sticky things is a huge deal. I’m trying to figure out new ways to eat so that I’m getting enough nutrients. I’ve had treatments before, and generally I lose weight. In our image-obsessed culture people tend to give me compliments on this, but losing weight when you don’t intend to, or because you’re basically starting, isn’t fun.

Feeling this lightheaded, feeling confused, and being able to talk for limited periods is really exhausting. Not to mention that living with missing teeth (which I may have to do) is frowned upon, especially for women. The next few weeks I’ll probably be in a terrible mood. I’m not sure if I’ll be able to continue in my year of yes experiment as much as I could like because I’m in a terrible mood right now. I’m trying to be grateful that this isn’t something worse, but I don’t like having to use other people’s bad luck to feel better about the state of my health.