Once again I’m feeling my hermetic tendencies taking hold of me for a variety of reasons. It’s like my will to say no for dumb reasons is totally taking over and I try not to let it because once I say no it’s hard to stop. Some of the rules I set for myself for this project are that I won’t say yes to anything that’s dangerous to myself or others, that I won’t say yes to an activity if I haven’t slept enough because I want to keep being healthy, and that I won’t say yes if I don’t have the money for an activity because I don’t have savings or a way to bail myself out if I overspend.
But this is about more than that:
- Living in Argentina economics are a big deal. Inflation here is rampant and it’s hard for me to say yes when the people I care about can’t, because then I have no one to go with me. I start to feel guilty or ashamed. I realize I have to work on this. There is no fun in life when you’re ashamed to have fun.
- Dating. I haven’t quite put myself out there and after dealing with so many issues with men, past relationships and an abusive guy (well, he was verbally abusive), I’m relearning how to do things. My judgement around what flirting is has totally been impaired. I don’t know what to do anymore. Still, since the person I like doesn’t like me I decided that when I get paid I’m going to splurge and buy myself a copy of Junot Diaz’s This Is How You Lose Her because perhaps Yunior will help me better understand myself. And because at least I can say yes to me when no one else can or will.
- Writing, art, and other creative hobbies. I’ve just hit a slump.
This project is teaching me a lot about my flaws. I’m trying not to feel guilty for any of them because no one is perfect. I’m trying to work on things that I just never dealt with, but overall. For many years my heart was like a really closed oyster–it’s just hard to open up, but dammit I’m trying.